Pain & Hope

I'm sitting tonight at the island with a toothache. I've had it for 4-5 weeks, and I keep "dealing" with it. Luckily I was able to have my dentist look at it yesterday to determine what we should really do, I knew I needed a root canal, that seems to be all I do any time I go in, drop $500-1000 and pretend it's no BIG DEAL RIGHT!!!!!!! Merry Christmas to the family is how I feel. I'm also on a pain pill again tonight, because it's really hurting, so I'm emotional, feeling gratitude and love to my family, yet I'm on a pity party too.

I'm feeling like a total screwup as a mother, yet I really feel like I'm learning from my mistakes, and trying HARD to do better at things. I'm really trying to have good attitude about tithing, attending church as a widow without complaint or (even harder) resentment. Sunday, suddenly in the sacrament song, I just began crying over nothing. Sometimes it's too much, too hard, and I felt really sorry for myself. Stupid. I'm trying to impress upon my daughters honestly why I go, and that we will all benefit from the gospel. I'm trying hard to talk with the girls, not yell, and listen, really listen. I know girls and Mike, that I don't listen well. My mind is racing with the next thoughts, so I am BAD at listening. Thankfully they don't give me grief anymore about going, they want their dad to go, and realize he'll not go if we hate it. So, hopefully they'll listen at appreciate the lessons their leaders have prepared. I know when we are teenagers it's hard to listen, learn, and apply it to our lives without judging others around us. My girls do make it easier to want to live better, to study scriptures, have family night, and attend the temple. I love them for that. Family should help you be better than you were yesterday.

So I HAVE to share the cutest thing I've heard this year. It was from J-------. He is the cutest little dark headed boy, smart, smiling, and happy. He's always (ALWAYS) watching me to see how I react to him. He beams if I wink at him, or smile at him. He will often walk up to me, just to hug me and say "I love you Mrs. Holmes." Today, he got up from the carpet, stood in front of me to say, with his arms emphatically dropping at his side with EVERY word.
"Mrs. Holmes.
Guess What...
My Grandma
Believes
(breathes in, eyes are HUGE)
IN GOD!!!"""

"Wow!" I respond.
"Really? I do too." and I touch his shoulder.

"Really?" He smiles a quirky smile and walks to his seat.

Then, can you believe it, I am SO SO SO ANGRY at myself, do you know what I honestly asked myself? "Will I get in trouble for saying that?"
AAARRRRGGGGHHHHH.

I HOPE they fire me for it. I'd love to make up for the small second guessing I had on myself by publicly announcing that I Believe in Christ!
Amy is right. That is what is wrong with today's society. We won't bring him into our lives and conversations afraid of offending others, rather than celebrating him. I don't know how much this child knows about God, if his mother and dad believe in God, if he believes in God. Does he know HE is a child of God?

So tomorrow, I am LUCKY. I get this tooth fixed, get to drop the money I DON'T have and then I'll be set for another 6 months until the other one. (Maybe I should get hooked on meth. I'll lose weight, and maybe all these teeth, and not have to worry about my job anymore.) NAAAAHH, probably not a good plan.